It Isn't Love
by PoseurMuch
Summary: McCoy and Chekov can't seem to spit it out. Will they tell eachother about their love? M for sexy scenes (coming soon!)
1. Chapter 1

So, their relationship had started a little unconventionally. Maybe it wasn't normal for 18 year old Russians to attack their doctors with their mouths, kissing until he just accepted it. Because Pavel knew. He had seen looks, teasing from the captain. So he knew. But he also knew good old McCoy wasn't going to act on it, because it would be 'wrong' to get with such a 'young boy' (who had an IQ much higher than the intelligent doctor, and who was very mature thank you very much).

But normal or not Bone's had excepted it surprisingly well, trying to ignore the age gap and focusing on his wonderful Pasha. Because he was his, and oh God he was perfect. No longer to be admired from afar, but his, up close. Perfect.

And lying there, in his bed; it was much bigger; with Pasha. The best feeling imagined. Just hugging him tight against his body, never, ever letting him go, because who knows what could happen if he let his beautiful, wonderful boyfriend out of his sightline. Injured, he could fix, anything he would fix. But he might.. Leave. Someone younger. His own age. Because who would want an old doctor like him, possessive and feeling like a paedophile for enjoying being this close to someone so young and amazing.

This feeling had never been here before, and McCoy knew it was love, though he could hardly accept it as such, when he was convinced he'd be left very soon.

Still, he just snagged his boyfriends arm, dragging him closer. He could stand love for a bit, even if he knew what came after.


	2. Chapter 2

'Len..' His Len. His special, own Doctor McCoy. Strong, happy, a rock to rely on when the world was going a bit over the top. When he was. Bones was the kind of person he needed, the kind of person who could deal with him needing genius space, but would never single him out and think it made him different. Because he wasn't different. He was just like everyone else, just with a few more IQ points thrown his way.

And that was how Len loved him. Well, maybe not love, he was just a boy and he knew Leonard thought he could not love after his wife took away the only thing he ever had loved.

But Pavel loved him, and despite not having has that before, he knew what it was. This.. Thing that made him smile and feel so, so safe when Len just touched him. How wonderful he smelt, which might seem odd but felt so vital. Everyone had to fall in love a first time.


	3. Chapter 3

When two people are in love, they won't say anything. Not straight away, sometimes not at all.

Because that is giving yourself up to someone in such a different way to anything else. You're at their mercy in so many ways. And when you love someone, truly, the last thing you want to do is frighten them away. And love is such a big, scary word.

Love.

It means a lot to people. Its a word people really... Care about.

And when you're a person who doesn't do words, feelings. Who doesn't know how to love someone like they feel they should be loved, sometimes that word will never be said, though it will be felt, and sometimes it will be known without saying.


	4. Chapter 4

'Love' was a word McCoy knew he could feel, but he could never say it. He knew this like he knew Pasha was the best thing to happen to him. Pavel was young, and deserved to explore everything about him, not be tied down by some romantic old doctor. That was not Pavel's future, his future involved impressing people, being brilliant, travelling, being loved by so many people until he found the one he wanted.

It was a word that could be breathed, heavily, after sex, when they were together and everything felt just right, and oh he was beautiful and he felt beautiful. It could be said then, when it wouldn't be taken seriously.

They were just hugging, that's all. Bones had delivered a Padd Spock had given him for Chekov, and, absentmindedly, Chekov grinned up at him. 'Thank you Len', he turned and went from the bedroom to McCoy's desk. 'Love you'. It was said like a goodbye. Just, casual.

'What did you just say?' he shouldn't have asked him that.

'I said.. Love you.' a tentative reply, scared somehow. Len didn't want to scare him. He wanted to hold him close and say how much he loved him, how he made him forget, his life happier in so many ways.

But that was the wrong feeling. 'No, Pavel. You don't love me.'

'But.. What do you mean? I know this. I can feel it. It is my heart Leonard, I can do with it what I want.'

'You haven't had a chance to know what love it yet, Chekov.' Using his last name, that was harsh, he should just accept it, be happy, it was love-

'Leonard... You... I am too _young,_ to feel this love? I am too **_young._**You have been fucking me for the last five months, you obviously have no problem with my age.' That was a low blow. There was enough guilt around taking an 18 year old already.

'No, you just haven't experienced enough to love yet. You don't know enough people to settle for me.'

'Doctor Leonard McCoy, I was no senseless virgin when we met. I have done plenty then sets me apart from the majority of 18 year olds. I have saved hundreds of lives, Doctor. I started working on the ship the at the age _you_ weren't even a cadet.'

And he left. It was Bones' fault, and he knew it, but it hurt. He was trying to protect Pavel, in a way. Because he loved him. So, so much. But this couldn't be returned. Not now.


End file.
